Healing My Inner Healer

When I was 33, I moved to a lakeside cabin at the base of a waterfall in the North Carolina mountains and did some of the deepest healing work of my life. The first day I moved in, I was walking upstairs when something stopped me in my tracks. 

I was looking out the window to the other side of the lake where there was a tall tree stump; it looked unmistakably like a bear. It took my breath away. It was so majestic and looked so real, like the wind was an artist who had come and carved it naturally into the spirit of a bear.

It felt… alive. 

I felt so much wisdom pouring through me at that moment that I nearly lost my balance and had to sit down. I gathered myself, put down what I was doing, and made it to the floor. I crossed my legs and sat up straight, my eyes never leaving the bear spirit. 

I felt right then and there how much I had been dishonoring myself. I also felt the magnitude of sacred medicine I held inside me. I began to weep. 

I saw the way I had tried to squeeze myself into a business box for the previous 10 years, desperately trying to be palatable for the average South Carolina spa goer, the yoga studio attendee, and the business owners I had worked for. I felt the pressure of having to meet certain expectations and achieve success inside someone else’s vision. I felt the weight of all the fragile relationships I had navigated and the psychological abuse that I had endured inside of them. I felt the fears I held around truly embodying my medicine; I would only share my work honestly during private sessions, and no one, not even those who had worked with me from the beginning, could describe what they experienced during our sessions.

I had accepted placing a value upon myself and my work that was both diminishing and suffocating. I had tolerated behavior that didn't feel honoring to me in the name of survival. I had gone along with what was comfortable and more easily accepted, because I wasn't confident enough in myself to “rock the boat” or shatter a glass ceiling.

Massage therapists are grossly underrated in the US. (To put it in perspective for you, Thai massage therapists in Thailand are seen at the same level as doctors.) Some massage therapists in the US give their bodies and precious energy for $20 an hour. I was a massage therapist with a psychology degree from a well-respected university, performing somatic release and soul-clarifying work for $40 a session when I started out. In truth, I was revolutionizing my industry from the very beginning in exchange for $11,000 per year, chronic pain, and daily nausea.

I saw how I had dominated my body. And I wept even more.

I remembered how many times I worked when I didn’t have the energy to work and taught movement when I was in physical pain, giving yoga assists and massage therapy when I was already hurting. My daily yoga practice had re-injured my back more times than I could count because I continuously shoved her (my body) into shapes she didn't want to be in, while maintaining the “correct alignment” according to an all-male lineage who hadn’t studied the feminine form or expression.

I cried as I began to acknowledge how hard it was to leave that part of my practice behind, choosing to trust my body over the external voice of authority. I remember thinking how my teachers should know what was better for my body than me, and believed it for a while, but my inner healer was so loud during that season of my life and I decided to walk away. I didn't know what I was going to do or where I was going to do it, I just knew that I had to walk away. I didn't have anyone to fall back on or a someone else’s method or leadership to attach myself to anymore. I chose to trust myself, and to bet on myself too.

I am an extremely disciplined person, so believe me when I say I tried it everyone else's way before creating my own. I poked, prodded, squeezed, sucked it up, did it anyway, and gaslit myself until I made myself sick. Then I rested, and did it all over again. 

And now there was no one to point the finger at anymore. 

I had accepted it all, I had upheld it all, and I had fallen in line with it. Until this moment. 

In that moment of stillness, as I gazed upon the bear-like tree stump across the lake, a flood of emotions surged through me. It was as if the bear's presence reached deep into my soul, unearthing buried truths and long-forgotten desires. The symbolism of the bear resonated with me on a profound level, revealing layers of meaning that I had been oblivious to until that point.

The bear, a creature of strength, intuition, and introspection, embodies qualities that I had suppressed and overlooked within myself. Its natural form mirrored the untamed essence that resided within me, waiting to be acknowledged and embraced. The bear became a mirror for my own journey of self-discovery and healing, a reminder that I, too, was a force of nature, deserving of honor and respect, and on my own terms.

The bear's unwavering presence challenged me to confront the ways I had neglected my own well-being. The grueling schedule, the relentless pursuit of perfection, and the denial of my body's signals — these were acts of self-violence that I could no longer ignore. The alignment I had sought was not just about the physical postures of yoga; it was about aligning with my own authenticity, my own rhythm, and my own femininity that had been stifled for years.

As I continued to sit in contemplation, the tears began to dry, and I felt a wave of gratitude wash over me.

Gratitude for the bear that had shown up as a profound symbol of transformation and awakening.
Gratitude for the clarity that had surfaced and the courage I had to meet the truth with deep openness and presence.
Gratitude for the integrity, resilience, and authenticity that I continue to carry with me on the path to reclaiming my power and rewriting my narrative.

And as I reflect on this experience, I can’t help but wonder: Have you seen any symbols that have spoken to you lately?

Perhaps there's a message in the everyday, a metaphor in nature, or a sign in an unexpected place that has resonated with your journey. What can you notice now that you weren’t aware of before?

I welcome you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below so we can continue the conversation as a community. 🐻