Finding LuLu
The Story That Changed My Life (and still is)…
On May 12, 2008, my father died. I was 20 years old.
The world lost one of the best fathers ever. And I lost myself. I lost LuLu, his girl.
I lost the girl who never needed approval from any man.
A girl who never doubted herself. A force to be reckoned with.
A part of my heart went missing — and I desperately sought to fill this space with anyone or anything I could find. But they could never fill me. And so I was still lost.
I think I cried every day in between 2012 and 2013 — halfway towards where I am now, after finally choosing to look at myself.
To look inward.
The Journey
I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery I think since I was in the womb… maybe even before that. The past 10 years have been filled with it all: every single emotion. And many second and third helpings of the worst ones.
I drank until I blacked out in year one. Abused sleeping medication because it was the only thing that took the pain away.
I took anti-depressants for over 3 years.
I tried 3 different kinds of anti-anxiety meds.
I went on and off birth control in attempt to regulate my hormones…
And I tried starving myself.
I’ve binged, I’ve purged, and I’ve hated myself and my body more times than I would ever care to admit.
I’ve tried blaming everyone else for my struggles. I’ve been selfish and angry and frustrated and pissed off and hated God for like, 3 years.
I’ve spent years being numb, nauseous, confused, sick, trapped, afraid, broken and lost.
I’ve asked…“Why me? Why him?”and “No, but really… what did I do to deserve this?”
And on top of all this (and this isn’t even the half of it) I judged myself.
For ALL OF IT. Which is always the best icing on a shit cake.
But one day I just decided that enough was enough.
And the next day I agreed.
The Choice
I decided to stop sitting in my own stuff. I decided life is worth living and loving. I looked back and remembered that between all of the pain and darkness, I was happy. Like truly happy.
I remember that I laughed the same day I cried. I may not have walked outside, but at least I looked out the window. I remembered that life is short.
My dad’s death taught me that. Life is short. And precious.
His death became my “why.”
My point of no return. My, “I must get happy now, today, and everyday, because what else is there?” My Atha Yoganusasanam! (The time is Now! This is Yoga. This is it.)
My father’s death became my reason to live.
To the get off all the drugs. To get my body out of pain.
To get off the train to negative town. To get away from crappy relationships of any kind.
To never, ever settle. To find my purpose.
To find meaning.To find Lulu.
One ordinary day that I cannot even remember, I chose myself.
Over all of it.
I followed my heart. I chose to live the life I was given. I decided what it was I actually wanted, and who I truly was.
I decided to fight for LuLu.
I fought for her (and sometimes with her) EVERY DAY, as he did. I chose to love her EVERY DAY, as he did.
And then one day, 9 years later, I went to Africa…
Coming Home
I caught the stomach flu and had diarrhea for 3 weeks straight, got blown over and assaulted by the wind, and walked straight uphill to get just about everywhere because what would life be without obstacles? And I got my heart broken and mended over and over again by Africa’s raw beauty alongside her raw poverty.
And then… I saw her.
Standing in the sunshine, where she’s always been. Waiting for me to come back to her.
And it may still break my heart every day that the best father a girl could ask for had to leave in order for me to find myself, all over again.
Your pain doesn’t have to be the end of your story. It can be your catalyst.
I choose life.
I choose to believe and see the best in people. I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason. I choose to believe that every rejection is God’s protection. I choose to take responsibility for my actions.
I choose to believe that life is full of choices — you sink or you swim.
You survive or you thrive.
But the choice is and always was MINE. I hope you choose love.
Love is all there is.
With love,
LuLu